The Culture of Permanent Boyhood
What do you think of when someone mentions “men’s entertainment?” Probably strip clubs, Playboy, pornography or other penis-centric activities. Behavior once characterized by a pubescent seventh-grader has been established as the gold standard of manhood.
This attitude pervades the sex-crazed Western world. When in Italy a few years ago I noticed frequent nudity during TV commercials. Almost every time a topless woman was show, the commercial was for a cell phone. I have yet to place the connection between naked women and text messaging. While commercials shown in the United States are not quite as exhibitionist, they still suffer from the same sexual pathology.
Almost every movie that attempts to cater to a male audience will include obviously gratuitous nudity. Commercials that market products to men will likely include some female model. As the saying goes, “sex sells.” Technology conferences that include product expos include the gratuitous “booth babes” that attract men by their pants instead of their minds. The same is true for auto expos.
It is easy to blame marketers for using women as cheap props and catering to the worst in men. The fact is, however, marketers would cease using sexuality in an instant if it didn’t work. Society has socialized men into being led around by their pants. The few men that speak out against such insipid nonsense are instantly labeled as dweebs.
Historically, this pattern of male over-sexualization has not been the norm. Men who openly lusted after women were derided and viewed as dishonorable. Those who engaged in premarital sex where shunned by their families and communities. Women, for their part, would simply not tolerate men who could not control their libidos. The rule didn’t necessarily hold for the cultural elite. Their morals have always been more flexible in every time and civilization. However, they still maintained the public façade of fidelity.
The rise of feminism and the sexual revolution has altered this dynamic. Previously, male sexual wanderlust was generally opposed by women. Women used their position to enforce, to some extent, male sexual fidelity. The sexual revolution and the brands of feminism that drove it dealt with the problem differently.
The anecdote most commonly heard is how unfair that a man who sleeps around is a “stud” and that a woman who does the same is a “slut.” The implication that generally follows is that a woman should be allowed to be just as promiscuous as men seem to be. It quietly assumed that the worst men among us were the model of manhood and then held up the model for women to emulate.
To be fair, feminism (or more precisely “Sex and the City feminism”) is not to blame for the boyish tendencies of the modern male. Those tendencies have existed since the beginning of time. However, by encouraging the behavior by labeling it normal and then encouraging women to do the same has made the problem epidemic.
The result has been nothing short of tragic. Young men and women simply do not know how to relate to each other outside the bedroom. When talking about women’s health, odds are the conversation is solely around birth control. Discussions on men’s health are more likely about sexual performance. Sex is meant to precede relationships, not flow naturally from them. Men have always been averse to commitment. Society now encourages this behavior.
The true brunt of this boyishness is felt by women. They are generally left raising children alone by men who refuse to commit. Most studies indicate men are more likely to cheat than women. Additional studies show the emotional devastation that women endure when they find their spouses are frequent purveyors of pornography (i.e. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 28, 198-206).
Men are harmed, albeit to a lesser degree. They are left unable to engage in an intimate relationship with a woman. They enter loveless after loveless relationship never able to look at their partner as anything more than an object. Over the long term, they begin to feel the brunt of loneliness and emptiness.
It is time that both men and women stand up and say enough is enough. Women, for their part, need to insist on sexual maturity from men they are or will be involved with. Men must not tolerate those among us to continue to act like pubescent 13-year-olds. Until more people stand up and treat sex as sacred instead of a worthless commodity to be traded without thought, the damage to women and men will continue.
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Hear hear!!
I am glad you posted this - for several reasons. We had the opportunity to entertain a guest with a strong feminism background over Christmas. One of the things she mentioned struck out; “Men are oppressors, but they don’t like to be called that.” After I got over the shock of that (I am an easy-going introvert), I begin to think about it a bit more deeply. First off, there is the “label”. Anytime some group is generically labeled, there are always going to be exceptions. Secondly, as a label, the word “oppressor” is quite negative, but in some cases I can see it in a positive light. For instance, in a storybook Good vs. Evil, I want the Good Guys to oppress the Bad Guys. But I digress - in general, “oppressors” carries a heavy, negative connotation. Why? Why are certain people casting men in such a bad light? Perhaps they deserve it, or perhaps it is a bit overkill?
So to bring that back to the posted topic, I have to agree our society is progressing the wrong way. As you point out in your post, it is appalling how “acceptable” it is for men to act so immaturely, and that women allow themselves to be used in so many different ways. We are a gluttonous, myopic, self-centered society.
Another thing I struggle with is gender equality. Granted, I still have a lot to learn about the women’s liberation movement and some of the numbers I have seen in the work force show that women make less money than comparable male counterparts. But men and women are simply different, with different strengths and weaknesses. Again, there are exceptions - we all know that. But I truly believe, in general, a woman has a very specific role to play, and a man another.
Sex is indeed sacred. It is not merely the enjoyment of an orgasm or touching someone, but sharing something that is so deep and profound.
In closing, I can imagine what some of my friends might say about this idea, and I wonder how I would respond. Certain friends either do not or cannot see the difference between watching a good football game and enjoying someone’s body. A number of people I run into would be unwilling to elevate sex to such high standards. And I wonder, does it all come down to a belief system? If you do not believe in any moral absolute, is it impossible to understand the sanctity of sex, and even marriage?
Comment by ChuckSchultz | January 2, 2007
One of your better columns. Nice supports too. I still think you are focusing too much on Sex and the City “feminism” which is no kind of feminism at all.
But beyond that, I like the way you place responsibility for social change on both genders, and I like the way you say that media is a reflection of societal values.
Comment by xian | January 3, 2007